CBT in Practice: Escaping the anxiety trap of assuming responsibility over things you don’t control
We’ve all been there before, me included: trying desperately to control a situation and only spiraling deeper and deeper. It can be hard to let go, particularly after we have expended so much effort (see: the sunk cost fallacy, a tendency to continue down a path that we have already invested money, effort or time into despite the costs outweighing any benefit). It can be even harder to admit a simple yet terrifying truth: that we simply don’t have control over the situation.
As children, we have perhaps the least amount of control over our environment that we ever will in our lifetimes and are dependent on the relationships with those around us to keep us alive. If we knew that, truly understood that, however, we would be paralyzed by fear. And so, we develop a common coping mechanism: acting to exert influence over our surroundings in any way that we can. When we are successful, we often internalize beliefs about our powers of control, such as: if I follow the rules, I will always be safe; if I listen to my parents, they will give me love and attention.
The assumptions that we make also operate inversely, for example: if I don’t listen to my parents, I don’t deserve their love and attention. And the belief that you don’t deserve love and attention innately as a human being can manifest itself deeply into your psyche long after the initial cause-and-effect has become irrelevant.
Many of these assumptions are not always accurate. Still, many of us are able to survive and even thrive by doing our best to exert control over our surroundings, which only serves to reinforce our internalized beliefs. At the same time, this often comes at the cost of compromising ourselves in some way and can take a toll on our self-esteem.
Another cognitive distortion, or a line irrational thinking, that can affect your mood and behaviors, occurs when we translate those beliefs forward. If following the rules always kept you safe, then you may follow rules that threaten your safety without even thinking. We often make decisions based on the information that we have at the time and much of that information comes from past experiences; however, your past experiences are not always a reliable narrator. In particular, those who have experienced trauma are likely to have undergone neurological and physiological changes that make them more sensitive to the information your body is constantly feeding you. In many of these cases, it can take years of therapy to adapt to the changes that were made in order to survive the trauma.
The good news? There is evidence to show that CBT and other forms of psychotherapy are effective in examining and rewriting these assumptions to provide you relief and allow you to live your life more authentically. The first step involves getting curious about how you think and the assumptions that you are making on a daily basis. Is that person ignoring you because of something you did? How do you know that they are actively and intentionally ignoring you? Can you be certain that your thinking is an accurate reflection of reality? What does it mean if it’s true?
To some degree, we all need to make assumptions in order to make decisions and carry on with our lives. When you do, however, consider whether you can make a different assumption - one that harms no one, but perhaps helps you.
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