5 Common Reasons Past Therapy Attempts May Have Failed:
Some of my clients swear by therapy and continue to show up even after we’ve reached our initial goals and they are stable enough that an outside party might question if they “need” therapy. “I like the routine,” one client said. Others like the idea of a safety net to fall back on should life, as it does, change course.
Then, there are those that come to me with their walls up and a - probably healthy and most often earned - skepticism about counseling. Perhaps they’ve had a bad experience in the past. Or, as many people did, they grew up in an environment where taking time to talk about your feelings just wasn’t done. I’d like to say that these clients eventually change their mind, but in all honesty, some probably still aren’t sold on what I have to offer. That’s okay. My kind of therapy isn’t for everyone. I do believe, however, that there is a kind of therapy for most people, should they wish to find it.
Finding it is hard, as I’ve acknowledged in previous attempts to demystify the search for a mental healthcare provider. I often compare it to dating, because a lot of the potential for success lies in the therapeutic relationship built between you and your therapist. Even if you’ve found the right fit, however, there are some common obstacles that both clients and therapists face.
1. "I don’t need therapy, I need X."
The second half of that statement might be true. Many people in our current capitalistic society, which creates scarcity in order to control demand and profit, have unmet needs. And therapy may not be able to help you fulfill that need, although in some cases it can. But in that case, how are you coping with your unmet need? There is more than a physical cost to pay for survival and therapy can help you build the emotional and mental resilience to not only have your needs met, but thrive once you do.
2. "I have my friends and family to talk to, why pay someone else?"
Therapy is not a replacement for a strong social support system and vice versa. Perhaps in a utopian world where all of us are taught to care for our own mental health and that of others from a young age, we might be able to find the care that we need in our own communities. But the reality is that even the most well-meaning of your friends and family are probably not both knowledgeable enough about mental health concerns and available enough to take on that job full-time. Even if they are, they still need to consent to doing the emotional labor of this work, because therapy is work.
For therapists, being a compassionate and empathetic listener is only the beginning of the work that they do in session, even if they are able to package it seamlessly into a conversation that doesn’t feel formal or technical. You pay a therapist for the same reason that you pay a doctor to treat any physical health concerns or an account to file your taxes. Sometimes, the knowledge that you and your community have is enough; sometimes, you need more.
3. "I don’t know what to talk about."
Starting therapy, particularly for those who aren’t familiar with counseling, can be daunting, particularly in a society that still stigmatizes talking about mental health. In many ways, the medical model of healthcare suggests that something must be wrong with you in order to seek care, when that isn’t necessarily true. Even if that is the case, something is most likely wrong with your circumstances - not you as a person. This is why trauma-informed care can be so transformative: it reframes the question of “what’s wrong with you” to “what happened to you?”
My reframe for this concern is that not knowing is perhaps one of the biggest reasons to seek therapy: to explore your mental health in a safe and supportive space. You’re not in this alone and your therapist is there to help you discover what there is to talk about.
4. "That mindfulness stuff doesn’t work for me."
Modern Western therapy has only recently embraced Eastern philosophy in the form of mindfulness, which has quickly become a buzzword. Many people are familiar with mindfulness in a specific context: perhaps in relation to yoga and meditation or as a spiritual practice. Or perhaps you’ve been asked the question, “Where do you feel that in your body?” For some, these approaches are effective, but they are certainly not universal. The concept of mindfulness can be interpreted and incorporated into a nearly endless variety of approaches and each is personal.
Now, some therapists don’t use mindfulness approaches at all and perhaps that’s what you’ve been looking for. Still, I want to remind you that your past experience with one approach is not always an accurate indicator of future possibilities.
5. "I’ve tried it before and I didn’t like it."
Similarly, your past experiences with one (or even two or three) mental health care professionals isn’t indicative of all providers. This is not meant to invalidate the fact that there are people in this field who can do harm, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and you may have suffered trauma at their hands. Many relational theories, however, will tell you that in order to heal hurt suffered at the hands of another person, you need to learn to trust other people again. This isn’t always easy and it’s okay if you’re not ready quite yet - but never say never.
When you are ready, my best advice to you is to be specific. What did you try? When did you try it? What were the circumstances? What was going on with you? What didn’t you like? I won’t try to tell you that negative experiences are necessary, but when they occur, they need not be wasted. Instead, try to mine that experience to hone your search and even consider talking to potential therapists about those concerns. A good therapist will hear you out and work with your skepticism rather than dismiss it.
Ultimately, the biggest indicator of success in therapy is whether or not you’re ready to engage with it - even despite any doubts or fears. When you’re ready, there is help out there.
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